Mike Rohrkaste

Mike Rohrkaste is a man who loves Wisconsin. Whether it’s during his lengthy career as a corporate raider with extensive experience in laying off large numbers of workers, or showing the love to major corporations since his election to the state Assembly in 2014, Mike has spent his life taking loving advantage of all the opportunities that our state has to offer.

Some of the most worthy recipients of Mike’s love have been large corporations. He has boldly given tax credits to companies such as Foxconn , at a time that they had yet to bring so much as a single job to Wisconsin, just on the off-chance that they might. He showed respect to Wisconsin’s educators in demanding that they prepare a workforce suited to Foxconn’s needs, but lovingly didn’t expect Foxconn to pay any tax toward this de facto investment in their company. Similarly, he was happy to use the Wisconsin taxpayer’s money to prop up the 17,500-seat Bucks Arena, so that its poor owners would not be forced to fund necessary repairs out of their own pockets. Mike knows that reaching down that far into pockets that deep is very risky, as you can really strain your back.

However, Mike doesn’t limit his love to the big guy. If you’re worried about the war on Christmas, Mike has your back: as an executive at Menasha Corp, he lovingly laid off large numbers of his own workers a couple days before Christmas, thus ensuring that they had plenty of time to spend with their families.

Truly, it was an act emblematic of Mike’s unique take on Christian values, which he modestly notes in his official biography are very important to him. However, simply being a dedicated Christian doesn’t mean that Mike is closed off to other cultures or doesn’t know how to enjoy himself; no, even as he was sending out pink slips, he found the time to join his fellow Menasha executives at a pricey yoga retreat on the company dime.

Mike’s skill in liberating American workers from their workplaces isn’t limited to his time at Menasha . He also gave Wisconsin workers a glimpse of the hell of a steady job at Oshkosh Corp., hiring hundreds in February 2011, before benevolently laying off 450 of them less than a year later. Clearly, this is a man who is willing to admit when he makes a mistake.

Most of all, as a good Christian, Mike loves the poor . He gave a huge tax break to owners in Wisconsin’s official Historical Districts, where homeowners of houses worth a paltry $3.5 million were freed from the burden of paying their share toward the state’s budget. Meanwhile, in his paternalist wisdom, Mike ensured that food stamp recipients would only eat what he thought they ought to, by drug-testing them regularly and demanding that they consume specific foods . For Mike, a little bit of big government intrusion in your life is worth it when you can benefit from his superior knowledge of what you need.

Once again, however, Mike’s Christian generosity doesn’t mean he forgets to always be enterprising. Helping many of Wisconsin’s poor families would be expensive, so Mike limited his benevolence to a mere 2,000 households. Thanks to his brutal corporate experience, he knows a problem that lookssolved is basically the same as one that’s actually solved. Indeed, Mike even extended the love to recipients of unemployment insurance. Sure, the Wisconsin Council of Churches called his proposals “dehumanizing and degrading” , but what do they know? Unlike Mike, they’re not the reason that so many people need unemployment insurance in the first place!

Truly, Mike Rohrkaste is all about the love. He has been loving everything Wisconsin has given him for years, without ever getting anything in return except a fat stack of pink slips. Perhaps this year for Christmas, Wisconsin will give Mike a pink slip of his own.